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Am I a Girl

when I first started to try and come to terms with my sexuality, I worried alot, about how my liking a guy, or the kind of guy I liked, would say things about my "masculinity"...probably mostly leftovers from the gay-paranoia I exhibited as a child, "I'm not GAY!" the defense against attackers.

After I "came out", I still worried, though. I want someone to like me, to want me. Am I too "queer" for a straight-acting guy to like? Am I too "straight" for a securely-gay guy to like? Mostly, I seem to worry about the impossible, how could I present myself, so that all the mostly-straight-guys I like, would find me non-threatening, in my dreams, attractive. What I rarely admitted to myself, is that more than anything, I often wish I were a girl. Maybe it's out of frustration at the fear I feel from being gay, when trying to ask a guy out. Maybe I fall for straight-guys because I really do wish I were a girl. Even if all the guys I like seem to think girls can't be intelligent. I'd be dumb, if someone would hold me.

2001-05-31